Second Presbyterian Church

"Speaking The Truth In Love: The 9^th Commandment"
August 31, 2003

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Sermons Homepage » Sermons for 2003 » Sermons for August 2003

#10 in the Series on The Ten Commandments
The Rev. Daniel E. Hale, D. Min.

• Exodus 20: 16
• Proverbs 19: 5-9
• Ephesians 4: 1-16

Today I want to share some thoughts about speaking the truth in love, that great quote from Paul's letter to the Ephesians as he was discussing the diversity of the Lord's gifts, even as he worked toward the unity and purity of the church. And I believe that this should shed some light about the relevance and importance of the 9^th Commandment, "you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor."

Now, the commandment, "you shall not bear false witness," was first intended for the context of litigation, of taking someone to court and testifying against him, or testifying on his behalf. The ancient Hebrew loathed false testimony! And the laws established in the Torah reflect that hatred for false testimony. It took the testimony of two witnesses to convict someone of a crime. The testimony of one witness was never enough. And there were grave consequences for someone who was found to have given false testimony. Basically that person faced the same punishment as what the law prescribed for the perpetrator. And if the giver of false testimony could not pay that punishment, then he received 40 lashes. If the punishment for the crime was 40 lashes, then the false witness received 80 lashes.

It is somewhat of an exegetical leap for us to take this commandment from its original, court setting and bring it into our everyday lives. Yet, in scripture we read repeatedly how God and the people of God hated lies. And since the Bible and the Ten Commandments speak to the people of God, and since we, too are the people of God, the exegetical leap is not too far fetched. The fact remains that this society, from the political system to our everyday lives, could stand to experience more straightforward, plain truth.

So, all society needs truth, yet the fact that we claim to be the people of God means that we really need to pay attention to being truthful, because our lives are a witness to the world about the love and grace of God. Gossip, lies, any form of falsehood tarnishes and damages our witness to the world about Jesus Christ and the Good News of his salvation and reconciliation.

Yet, no matter how hard we try, sooner or later we say something false, even if it is unintentional. We may get angry and create a malicious lie about the person who hurt, or insulted us. We might get very afraid, afraid of the consequences of the truth, and tell a lie in the hopes that the lie will spare us the consequences of the truth. Or we might tell a lie, a little white lie so that we don't hurt someone's feelings.

But this is a problem. What if the truth brings someone pain? Roy loved his grandmother. He adored her. Grandma would come over to visit. She would bring cookies, or a gift or some money with which Roy was ordered to go buy junk food, candy, or a toy. Well, Grandma was coming and Roy was very excited; he could hardly wait until she got there. Finally, mother calls him and announces the Grandma is here. He runs to the front door to greet her. Grandma comes to the door. Roy looks and sees that Grandma's hat is the most hideous, ugly looking hat that he had ever seen. It looked like a fruit bowl that had gotten tangled up in its parachute and had crashed! They hug and kiss, then Grandma asks Roy, "What do you think of my hat?"

What is Roy to do? He has been taught to be polite to people and he has worked very hard at that. He has also been taught to tell the truth. Yet here he was, facing his beloved Grandma with the choice of telling the truth and possibly insulting Grandma or telling a lie that he likes the hat.

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever found yourself in a position of being caught between telling the truth or telling a lie in order to avoid hurting somebody's feelings? Of course you have; who hasn't!

When Paul encourages Christians to speak the truth in love, it raises the question in my mind, "Is there any other way?" Can one love his neighbor without telling the truth? Does telling a lie to spare someone's feelings constitute an act of love? With possible exceptions, I believe that it is not an act of love to lie to someone, to withhold the truth. We may think we are sparing the person's feelings, but more often than not we are really sparing OURSELVES the possibility of having to deal with someone who is hurt by the truth.

Roy doesn't want to hurt Grandma, but his fear may have as much to do with himself as it does with Grandma feeling hurt. He might be afraid that his Grandmother wouldn't give him any more gifts if he tells her the truth that the hat is horrendous. An argument can be made, then, that it is NOT just from love that Roy might avoid giving Grandma a reality check about her hat. Rather it may have just as much to do with his own personal, selfish needs, as it does from his love for her. And since love is an act of giving, an act of moving beyond our own stuff, then the avoidance of telling the truth may not be love at all!

There is a second possibility; if truth is spoken, then does that constitute an act of love? Let's assume Roy does NOT love Grandma; he thinks she is an old grump. He dreads the times when Grandma comes to visit and is miserable the whole time she is at his home. Now, Grandma comes to the door, hugs Roy and says, "What do you think of my hat?" To which Roy truthfully replies, "Grandma, that is the stupidest looking hat I have ever seen! Only a turkey would like a hat like that!"

The truth spoken, without love and compassion for the person, can be brutal and abusive. Roy doesn't have to call Grandma names! Some people act out their cruelty by speaking the so-called truth directly to people; they love the "shock effect." And sometimes they actually believe that they are being a service to humankind, when they are actually acting out their own hostility by talking about the truth in a harsh, tactless, non-compassionate manner.

So, our hypothetical dilemma remains; what is Roy supposed to do with his Grandma whom he loves, but hates her hat? What are we to do when we are sure that the person we are faced with telling the truth might be hurt, or offended? Is there a way?

So yes, we can learn to speak the truth in love. It is the third alternative, as Paul encourages the Christians in Ephesus. It's not easy, but it is possible. It will not always turn out hunky dory. But when it does turn out well the person confronted with love and care and the relationship you have with that person will grow. It demonstrates the love of Christ in a very down to earth, practical way.

Let's refer back to Roy. Roy looks at the hat; he then looks at Grandma. Roy responds, "Grandma, I am so glad to see you and I love you very much, but I do not like your hat at all. It doesn't look good on you. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I had to tell you the truth, Grandma."

That is speaking the truth in love. It is not easy and it takes much thought and practice, but it usually gives wonderful results. When a person speaks the truth she gains a reputation for telling the truth. People respect that, especially in this day and time. When a person has a reputation for telling the truth, then you can TRUST that person. Truth telling builds trust. It is valid for friendships, for marriages; it is valid for parents relating with children and for children relating with parents. And there is nothing more wonderful than having a close, trusting relationship with someone.

In other words being able to speak the truth in love is a genuine relationship builder. There is no need for pretends and phonies.

One of the dangers with a congregation whose members do not relate in an honest and caring manner is that the situation becomes fertile ground for gossip, by far the most prevalent form of bearing false witness that exists in the church today. When people cannot be honest with one another, then they tend to talk around each other. If Mrs. Alford has problem with Mr. Bosley's way of ushering, then Mrs. Alford will go to Dr. Cox and talk about the way Mr. Bosley is doing the ushering. Eventually Mr. Bosley. will hear about Mrs. Alford's problem with him, but by the time he hears of it, the situation is so distorted that the story barely resembles the true aspects of the situation. Then Mr. Bosley is sorely offended with Mrs. Alford. and will either shun her or tell her off. Not speaking the truth in love encourages gossip and indirect dealings.

20-20 hindsight suggests that everything would have been so much easier if Mrs. Alford had gone directly to Mr. Bosley and talked with him in a respectful manner about what it was that was bothering her.

This is what I believe that The Lord wants us to do when we relate to each other. God wants us to care for one another, to pray for one another, to be supportive of each other. God is calling us to speak the truth to one another. And that whatever conflict the truth, even when spoken in love, brings it is far healthier for the entire congregation in the long run than the round about stuff that we all so easily fall into doing: gossip.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. "But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,"(Ephesians 4:15). It is a powerful way to obey the commandment of Christ, to "love one another, to love our neighbor," even as God first loved us. Amen.

The Rev. Daniel E. Hale, D. Min.